FIFTY SHADES OF GREEN! 1


CHRISTIAN STARE AT DRUNK HULK! IMPASSIVE! THAT MEAN “WITHOUT FEELING” FOR 16 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO PROBABLY READ THIS!

“YOU SAID YOU WOULD TRY,” CHRISTIAN MURMUR!

“DRUNK HULK KNOW!”

“ARE YOU HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS?”

“POSSIBLE!”

“WHY?”

HOLY CRAP! HOW DID THIS SUDDEN BECOME SUCH INTENSE AND MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION!? IT SPRUNG ON DRUNK HULK! LIKE BREAST EXAM THAT DRUNK HULK NO PREPARE FOR! WHAT DO DRUNK HULK SAY!? BECAUSE DRUNK HULK THINK DRUNK HULK LOVE YOU! AND YOU JUST SEE DRUNK HULK AS TOY! BECAUSE DRUNK HULK CAN NO TOUCH YOU LIKE MC HAMMER! BECAUSE DRUNK HULK TOO FRIGHTEN TO SHOW YOU AFFECTION IN CASE YOU FLINCH! OR TELL DRUNK HULK OFF! OR WORSE –  BEAT DRUNK HULK!? WHAT CAN DRUNK HULK SAY!?

WAIT MINUTE! BEAT DRUNK HULK? WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THIS?

DRUNK HULK STARE OUT WINDOW! CAR HEADING BACK ACROSS BRIDGE! DRUNK HULK AND CHRISTIAN SHROUD IN DARKNESS! MASKING THOUGHT! AND FEELING! BUT NO NEED LIGHT FOR THAT!

“WHY, DRUNK HULK?” CHRISTIAN PRESS DRUNK HULK FOR ANSWER!

DRUNK HULK SHRUG! TRAP JUST LIKE ADMIRAL ACKBAR ONCE SAY! DRUNK HULK NO WANT LOSE HIM! IN SPITE OF HIS NEED TO CONTROL! HIS SCARY VICE THAT NOTHING LIKE MIAMI!  DRUNK HULK HAVE NEVER FEEL AS ALIVE AS DRUNK HULK DO NOW! HE SO UNPREDICTABLE! SEXY! SMART! AND FUNNY! BUT HIS MOOD! OH! AND HE WANT HURT DRUNK HULK!  HE SAY HE THINK ABOUT DRUNK HULK RESERVATION! BUT DRUNK HULK LIKE ANTHONY BOURDAIN AND HAVE NO RESERVATION! BUT IT STILL SCARE DRUNK HULK! DRUNK HULK CLOSE EYES!  WHAT CAN DRUNK HULK SAY!? DEEP DOWN DRUNK HULK WOULD JUST LIKE MORE! MORE AFFECTION! MORE PLAYFUL CHRISTIAN! MORE LOVE!

HE SQUEEZE DRUNK HULK HAND!

“TALK TO ME, DRUNK HULK.  I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU. THIS LAST WEEK… ”  HE TRAIL OFF!

DRUNK HULK AND CHRISTIAN COME NEAR TO END OF RIDICULOUSLY LONG BRIDGE! AND ROAD ONCE MORE BATH IN NEON LIGHT OF STREET LAMP! SO HIS FACE IS INTERMITTENT IN LIGHT! AND DARK!  AND IT SUCH FITTING METAPHOR IF READER NO THINK ABOUT IT FOR MORE THAN SECOND! THIS MAN! WHO DRUNK HULK ONCE THINK OF AS ROMANTIC HERO! LIKE EDWARD CULLEN! BECAUSE THERE NOTHING MORE ROMANTIC THAN 100 YEAR OLD MAN WHO PICK UP HIGH SCHOOL GIRL!

BUT CHRISTIAN NO HERO! WHICH IS GOOD! BECAUSE TINA TURNER SAY SHE NO NEED ANOTHER ONE! THEN AGAIN! BONNIE TYLER SAY SHE NEED HERO! OH! DRUNK HULK SO CONFUSE! CHRISTIAN DRAG DRUNK HULK INTO DARK! CAN DRUNK HULK NO GUIDE HIM INTO LIGHT!? OR AT LEAST TO BUD LIGHT?

“DRUNK HULK STILL WANT MORE!” DRUNK HULK WHISPER! WHICH REALLY HARD FOR DRUNK HULK DO!

“I KNOW,” HE SAY!  “I’LL TRY.”

DRUNK HULK BLINK DOWN AT HIM! AND HE RELINQUISH DRUNK HULK HAND AND PULL AT CHIN! RELEASING DRUNK HULK TRAPPED LIP! DRUNK HULK NO UNDERSTAND WHAT JUST HAPPEN! BECAUSE IT MAKE NO SENSE! TRAPPED LIP?

“FOR YOU, DRUNK HULK, I WILL TRY.” HE RADIATE SINCERITY JUST LIKE DRUNK HULK RADIATE GAMMA RADIATION! ONLY SINCERITY NO CAUSE CANCER!

AND THAT DRUNK HULK CUE!  DRUNK HULK REACH ACROSS! AND CLAMBER INTO HIS LAP! TAKE HIM COMPLETE BY SURPRISE! DRUNK HULK WRAP ARMS AROUND HIS HEAD! DRUNK HULK KISS HIM! LONG AND HARD! AND IN NANOSECOND! HE RESPOND!

“YOU’RE CRUSHING ME, DRUNK HULK! I THINK I’M DYING!”

 “NOW YOU KNOW WHAT DRUNK HULK FEEL LIKE! READING THIS AWFUL BOOK!”

– This has been a dramatic performance of E. L. James Fifty Shades of Grey, as performed by Drunk Hulk.

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About Christian A. Dumais

Christian A. Dumais is an American writer, humorist and public speaker living in Wrocław, Poland. He has published fiction, journalism, and academic articles in several magazines and journals such as GUD, Shock Totem and Ha!Art. His first collection of short stories, Empty Rooms Lonely Countries, was published in 2009. He also created, edited, and contributed to Cover Stories, a euphictional anthology of 100 stories inspired by songs, which was published in 2010. His most recent book is SMASHED: The Life and Tweets of Drunk Hulk.


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