DRUNK HULK APOLOGY!
3Previously on DRUNK HULK:
WHAT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PICTURE OF BIGFOOT AND RUSH LIMBAUGH APOLOGY? PICTURE MORE CONVINCING!
— DRUNK HULK (@DRUNKHULK) March 4, 2012
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DEAR MR BIGFOOT!
FOR OVER 2 YEAR! DRUNK HULK ILLUSTRATE ABSURD WITH ABSURDITY! USUALLY DURING HAPPY HOUR! SEVEN DAY A WEEK! IN THIS INSTANCE! DRUNK HULK CHOOSE WRONG WORD IN ANALOGY OF SITUATION! DRUNK HULK NO MEAN PERSONAL ATTACK ON MR. BIGFOOT! (more…)
DRUNK HULK MOST SEXIEST PEOPLES OF 2011!
10ONCE AGAIN DRUNK HULK NO MAKE MOST SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! DESPITE USE SHAKE WEIGHT EVERY MONTH!
INSTEAD OF FALL INTO DEPRESSION LIKE EVERY YEAR! DRUNK HULK DECIDE TO CHOOSE OWN MOST SEXIEST PEOPLES ALIVE FOR 2011! BELOW YOU FIND THREE MOST SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! AND THREE MOST SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE! AS DETERMINE BY DRUNK HULK STRICT SCIENTIFIC METHOD!
MOST SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!
1. NEIL GAIMAN!
NEIL GAIMAN MOST SEXY MAN IN WORLD! HE DO EVERYTHING! HE WRITE! SING! DIRECT! TRAVEL! KEEP BEE! EXPERT ON LOST ART OF DURAN DURAN! AND CAN DESTROY ANY WEBSITE IN ALL WORLD JUST BY THINK OF IT! HE ROCK STAR! LIKE HUNTER S. THOMPSON! ONLY WITHOUT ALCOHOL! DRUG! ANGER! PARANOIA! BITTER IRONY! GUN! CRIPPLING LONELINESS! AND IF THOMPSON LIKE UNICORN AND TIME LORD! IF DRUNK HULK BREAST BIGGER! MORE FIRM! SYMMETRICAL! DRUNK HULK HAVE GAIMAN AUTOGRAPH THEM!
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2. ANTHONY BOURDAIN!
WHEN DRUNK HULK GO AROUND EAT AND DRINK EVERYWHERE! DRUNK HULK GET SLEEPY AND WANT GO HOME! BUT NO ANTHONY BOURDAIN! BOURDAIN LIKE UNSTOPPABLE EATING ROBOT SENT FROM FUTURE! “IS YOU NAME SARAH CONNOR? GOOD! YOU GOT ANYTHING TO EAT?” AND MORE HE EAT AND DRINK! MORE SEXY BOURDAIN BECOME! HE LIKE DORIAN GRAY! EXCEPT PICTURE BOURDAIN HIDE AWAY SHOW HIM AS NO HEALTHY AND OVERWEIGHT IN NEED OF RICHARD SIMMONS TO JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND TREE!
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3. JOHN HODGMAN!
JOHN HODGMAN APPEAR EVERYWHERE! HE ON DAILY SHOW! NPR! BOOKS! PODCAST! BORE TO DEATH! WIRED! PARIS REVIEW! DRUNK HULK STARE AT DONUT THIS MORNING! AND SWEAR HODGMAN FACE ON IT! BUT IT NO ACTUAL HIM! IT EITHER WILLEM DAFOE OR JIM CAVIEZEL! HODGMAN IS SEXY JOHN MUNCH OF EVERYTHING! PLUS HE SMART AND FUNNY! SO HE SEXY!
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MOST SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE!
1. MINDY KALING!
MINDY KALING IS SECRET WEAPON ON OFFICE! SHE DO EVERYTHING! PRODUCE! DIRECT! ACT! AND SHE WRITE! AND WHETHER SHE WRITE TV SHOW OR BOOK! KALING ALWAY FUNNY AND SEXY! DRUNK HULK LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE REAL! AND SHE MAKE DRUNK HULK LAUGH! DRUNK HULK TOTALLY BE HER MORK TO HER MINDY! THEN DRUNK HULK WALK ON BEACH AND DRINK PINA COLADA WITH HER!
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2. FELICIA DAY!
DRUNK HULK LIKE FELICIA DAY! SHE NO ONLY ACT AND WRITE! BUT SHE CREATE GUILD! CLEARLY SHE ON TO SOMETHING! DRUNK HULK ADMIRE PEOPLE WHO DO THING THEY WAY! AND DAY ONE THEM! SHE TOTALLY GET DRUNK HULK RESPECT! WHICH WHY SHE MAKE DRUNK HULK MOST SEXIEST LIST! AND DRUNK HULK NO ONLY ONE WHO THINK SO! EVEN HARRY BELAFONTE MAKE SONG ABOUT HER!
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3. EMMA STONE!
THERE NOTHING SAY THAT DRUNK HULK NO SAY BEFORE!
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ALSO! REMEMBER! YOU ALL SEXY IN DRUNK HULK BOOK!
DRUNK HULK DEBATE FAIL!
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DRUNK HULK: FACT OF MATTER IS YOU BETTER HAVE BEER GLASS THAT DRUNK HULK CAN GET HAND AROUND! AND THAT REASON WHY DRUNK HULK BAR TAB ONLY ONE OF ALL FOLK! THESE GOOD FOLK ON STOOL HERE! THAT NEED BE PAY BY 2020! AND DRUNK HULK TELL YOU! THERE THREE THING HERE WHEN DRUNK HULK OWN BAR THAT ARE GONE! THAT Q*BERT GAME! PORK RINDS! AND — WHAT THIRD ONE THERE? LET SEE!
Ron Paul: We’re talking about government agencies. You need five.
DRUNK HULK: OH! FIVE! OK! SO Q*BERT! PORK RINDS! AND…
(Unknown): MGD?
DRUNK HULK: MGD! THERE YOU GO!
Moderator: Seriously, is MGD the one you were talking about? The beer?
DRUNK HULK: NO SIR! NO SIR! DRUNK HULK TALK ABOUT THING IN BAR – MGD NEED GO! THERE NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT!
Moderator: But you can’t — but you can’t name the third one? And do you realize where you are, sir?
DRUNK HULK: THIRD THING IN BAR DRUNK HULK WOULD – DRUNK HULK DO AWAY WITH Q*BERT…
Moderator: Pork Rinds.
DRUNK HULK: PORK RINDS AND! LET SEE! DRUNK HULK NO…THIRD ONE! DRUNK HULK NO KNOW! SORRY! OOP!
DRUNK HULK HAD 99!
1“THERE 99 BEER ON WALL! BUT THEY KEEP TAKE THEM DOWN! AND PASS THEM ALL AROUND! NOW THERE NO MORE BEER! ON WALL! OR ANY PLACE! DRUNK HULK HAD 99!”
Last Look
1Click here to download the PDF of “Last Look” by Christian A. Dumais.
Two Americans arrived by train, exhausted, weighed down by luggage and nervousness. The husband had a map with a highlighted path to the rented apartment, but now that he could see how small the town was, he decided to trust his instincts instead. He moved quickly, several steps ahead of his wife, with a false confidence she had seen too many times before, but they were too far from home to argue about it even though they passed the same corner three times already.
As they walked through the town, they saw few people and nothing appeared open, which made her nervous there wouldn’t be a restaurant to eat at later. The wife couldn’t quite figure out why this town was important enough to stop in on the way to Bologna, but her husband insisted it was “one of those magical places tourists didn’t know about,” which she translated as cheap accommodations.
They reached the street just as the sun was descending behind the mountains. As stated in the email, the landlord was waiting outside the apartment. He was handsome and much younger than they expected, wearing a perfectly cut suit and holding a set of keys. He hugged them both as if they were long lost friends and invited them upstairs. The husband saw that the landlord was sweating, which seemed to erase the insecurity he felt towards his good looks and the way his wife couldn’t keep his eyes off of him.
The perfectly photographed angles in the apartment didn’t translate well to real life. It looked like a long hallway, narrow with an opening in the center for a makeshift kitchen. The landlord opened the first door to reveal a bedroom and a private bath that made a cruise ship quarters look lofty.
He took their passports in the kitchen, asking questions about where they came from and where they’re going. Because they were Americans on vacation, they had no complaints about anything. He said, “Americans. You happy with everything. Good for you.” He started to write a passport number down and stopped. He said, “Not like us. Italians are miserable. We have traditions and they no change for nothing. It shames me.”
Bells rang outside. The landlord looked at his watch and sighed. He returned their passports. The husband tried to pay, but he refused. “Pay later. No hurry.” He hugged them both again and left.
Alone, the couple finally relaxed. Though not what they imagined, the apartment was respite from the overwhelming foreignness outside.
While his wife used the toilet, he decided to check out the apartment. He noticed that the windows were all barred from the outside. He opened one to let in some air. The sound of chanting came from a nearby church.
He walked down the long hallway, amazed at its length. At the other end were two doors. One of them was to another bedroom. He saw a pile of luggage and wondered if more guests were staying there. He wished the landlord would’ve mentioned that.
The other door was
ajar.
He stopped himself from pushing it open.
He didn’t know why, only that his brain had gone electric and was suddenly reconnected to something irrational, something he hadn’t felt since he was a child when things lived in closets and creatures stood outside his window at night, waiting patiently for children to move in their beds to signal their invitation.
He felt his skin go cold and his fingers began to tremble.
He turned around, surprised at the violence and quickness of his actions, and walked back. He forced himself to walk slowly – despite the sound of the door opening and the sound of something heavy and wet moving behind him – as an act of grown-up defiance and childish denial, and like that boy who would not stir in his bed, he would not turn around.
He was about to reach their bedroom, ready to acknowledge how ridiculous he was to let his imagination get the better of him, when his wife stepped out and looked over his shoulder. She was talking to him when she suddenly froze, her eyes locked at something behind him. The first few words out of her mouth were words – something about finding a shop – before being replaced by guttural sounds.
“Hurk. Hurk. Hurrrrrk.”
His throat grew tight.
He looked behind his wife to the front door and realized that the landlord had taken the keys with him, and with that, he knew they were locked in. What he initially thought to be etched patterns in the door were now clearly scratch marks from fingernails. The dark spots in the wood were patches of dried blood. It was so obvious he was ashamed for not having noticed it before.
His wife’s body shook violently as if she were being electrocuted and the black hair on her head curled and turned white in front of his eyes. He smelled urine – there was no time to know whose it was – before his nostrils became overwhelmed with the smell of something rotten, something ancient. The chanting outside grew louder. His wife’s eyes rolled back into her head and her body started to fall. He caught her and pressed her to him, her head landing on his shoulder. He could feel her brittle hair cracking between his fingers.
Tears stung his eyes and he was suddenly full of anger because he was denied one last moment with his wife. He couldn’t remember the last time she smiled at him, the last time he kissed her, the last time something between them wasn’t routine.
He heard the sound of a massive moist mouth opening and smelled the dark humidity of its breath escaping behind him. He felt his wife’s body reverberate with the sound of her skull cracking. She was quiet now and her head lifted slightly off his shoulder as it was lighter and could no longer retain its shape. He felt an avalanche of hot liquid running down his back and splattering on the floor.
He hoped the disintegration of her sanity acted as a sort of anesthesia. And seeing that last shred of hope, he prayed there’d be enough time to turn around for one last look before it took his life too.
- You’ve just read “Last Look” written by Christian A. Dumais
Reactions to Drunk Hulk’s Gaddafi Tweet
1This is a chronological look at the reactions to Drunk Hulk’s Gaddafi tweet. I’ve seen this happen before in previous tweets, but this was pretty overwhelming in terms to how everyone reacted to the news coming from Drunk Hulk.
Check it out. I think you might be surprised by this. I’m confident that there’s a PhD paper here that’s begging to be written.
shlevy Shea Levy
How is it that this is how I learned this happened? RT@DRUNKHULK: GADDAFI DEAD! NO COOL! DRUNK HULK JUST FIGURE OUT HOW SPELL HIS NAME!
TheCaleStephens Cale Stephens
Is it bad I get my breaking news from @DRUNKHULK ?
pfreet pfreet
@keithmcgreggor Funny, the first mention of said breaking news in my twitter stream was from @DRUNKHULK
glenericreed Glen Eric Reed
Okay, I just learned major news from a @DRUNKHULK retweet by@NoReservations … has it really come to this?
lydia69 Diane M. Martin
I have no idea what it says about me but I just found out about Gadhafi’s death from a tweet by @DRUNKHULK
CoachZuckerman Jay Zuckerman
Two weeks ago, I was not on Twitter & relied on the news to keep me up to date. Now I first learn of Gadhafi’s capture through@Drunkhulk.
deanBarry Dean Adlington
@glenericreed: Okay, I just learned major news from a@DRUNKHULK retweet by @NoReservations … has it really come to this?”. ME TOO!!!
damndilettante Jason Lord
It’s a sign of the times that I first learned of the death of major world figure from @DRUNKHULK.
paulidin Paul Roth
I almost feel like I’d get the breaking news just as fast on twitter via@DRUNKHULK alone.
kanessie Karen Glass
OK, I’m not sure if I can be comfortable hearing major news from@DRUNKHULK before @BBCBreaking. #bravenewworld. ?
BATMANassistant batman’s assistant
Pretty amazing and funny that the @DRUNKHULK reported that Gaddhafi died before any major news source
HCoppinger Hope Coppinger
I’m afraid I may have just learned important international news from@drunkhulk. While I’m grateful, I’m also deeply concerned.
pillarofsalt pillarofsalt
Kinda fucked up to hear about major news stories from satire accounts; @DeathStarPR was the first Steve Jobs tweeter,@DRUNKHULK Gaddafi.
monokero Iris
How I found out Gaddafi is dead: @DRUNKHULK tweeted about it. Not sure what this says about me.
pattychase919 Patty Chase
Finding out important world news from @DRUNKHULK is pretty weird.
teacheyd Daniel Teachey
True story: I first heard about Qaddafi’s death on twitter… from@DRUNKHULK. What a world…
dday515 dday515
so @DRUNKHULK just informed me that gadhafi is dead. This is the world I live in.
heldermira Helder Mira
“@DRUNKHULK: GADDAFI DEAD! NO COOL! DRUNK HULK JUST FIGURE OUT HOW SPELL HIS NAME!” Again; this is how I receive breaking news.
Kat_in_NY Kat_in_NY
What does it say about the world if I learned about Gadhafi’s death from @DRUNKHULK?
joe_is_tweeting joe stephan
I really need to change my morning surfing order. @DRUNKHULKshould not be where I get breaking Gadhafi’s death news.
chambo_SF Michael Chamberlin
Amazingly, story broken by @DRUNKHULK: GADDAFI DEAD! NO COOL! DRUNK HULK JUST FIGURE OUT HOW SPELL HIS NAME!
jason_sims Jason Sims
Just had major world news broken to me earlier by @DRUNKHULK.#WhyILoveTwitter
tjsander Travis J. Sanders
Can’t believe I found out that Qaddafi died from @drunkhulk
DeanDMX Dean Mayers
I found out about #gadaffi from @DRUNKHULK. I am ashamed. :/
vitriolick vitriolick
@Kat_in_NY you weren’t the only one learn about it from@DRUNKHULK first. Does that say more?
_mandolin amanda
I love how I found out Gaddafi died from @DRUNKHULK before@nytimes
RayS Ray Slakinski
@andersoncooper what @DRUNKHULK is not a valid source?!??!
impenn Mike Surette
I don’t know if it’s sad, or awesome, that in this era of media, I first got news of gadhafi from @DRUNKHULK
namon Namon Washington
RT @glenericreed: Okay, I just learned major news from a@DRUNKHULK retweet by @NoReservations … has it really come to this?
sarathelaundres Sara Wagner
I first learned about the rumors that Gadhafi was dead from@DRUNKHULK, is that a reflection on me? Or a reflection on society?
VultureAM Matthew Malone
I learned of the possibility of gadaffi’s death from @DRUNKHULKbefore any news outlet. There is something wrong with the internet
BrianGoodrich1 Brian Goodrich
Gaddafi is captured and possibly dead and @DRUNKHULK is the only one in my twitter feed to mention it thus far…what a world!
feemcbee Fee McBee
I love that I found out Gaddafi is dead from @DRUNKHULK
k_stocks Kevin
How the hell did I learn about Gaddafi’s death via @drunkhulk
Radioeatsbrain Kimber Price
Wait, did I just learn about big news via @DRUNKHULK ?
enosone A. Lima
Just so you know, I learned about Gaddafi’s death/capture from@drunkhulk and not #CNN or #BBC. Carry on.
seajo Chelsea
Years from now, I’m going to have to remember that I heard about Qaddafi’s death not from a credible news source but from@DRUNKHULK.
clever_cupcakes Clever Cupcakes
Nothing like getting world news from Twitter. The first I heard of #Gadhafi‘s death was from @DRUNKHULK.
VGFreak1225 Peter Schaper
The Twitter account that broke the news to me about Gadhafi was@DRUNKHULK. I don’t know if that says more about me or you guys.
mickathud Elaine K.
@ShakespeareGeek - I learned this from @DRUNKHULK. Hurray, Twitter-age!
mgcuthbert Michael Cuthbert
I just found out about Gadaffi’s death from @DRUNKHULK on twitter. Talk about alternate news source.
katekiefer Kate Kiefer
well, i found out about gaddafi from @drunkhulk.
helliemaes Helliemae’s Caramels
I just learned the #Gaddafi news from @DRUNKHULK. Ok @twitter, you’ve hit a new role in my world.
AdmTaptap Admiral Taptap
@DRUNKHULK I learned of his death from you. How cool/sad is that?
DauneRobinson Daune
RT @breakingnews: US official: Libyan leaders and @drunkhulkhave informed US that Moammar Gadhafi is dead – AP
xfloormattx Matt
@NotAlwaysNews @DRUNKHULK reported he was dead before most were confirming he was captured (on my feed).
hasBen Benjamin Brinkman
despite following multiple news sources, the first mention of Gaddafi in my Twitter feed this morning came from @DRUNKHULK
ohheyadanielle Danielle
I learned about #Gaddafi‘s death via @DRUNKHULK. Drunk Hulk: My newest source for world news! Thank’s Drunk Hulk!
acecuts Ace Cutshaw
I’m feeling very conflicted about the fact that I learned about Gaddafi’s death from @DRUNKHULK
The_Rhonda The Rhonda
I try to stay informed, yet I still receive first word of some important current events from @DRUNKHULK. Not sure if that’s sad or awesome.
roboxstudios David Pietrandrea
I find it wonderfully amusing that I learned Qaddafi had died from@DRUNKHULK
Kraemer Mark W Kraemer
This is the internet. I first heard about Qaddafi’s death from@DRUNKHULK
EvilChick Evil Chick
Will never forget I found out about Gaddafi’s dead from@DRUNKHULK
dasKroop matt krupa
Sign of the 21st century: I first heard news that Gaddafi was killed from @DrunkHulk
benp78 benp78
Raise your hand if you first heard about Gadaffi being killed this morning from @DRUNKHULK. What a surreal world we’re living in.
Bikeflu Josh
I will always remember October 20, 2011 as the day that Gaddafi was killed and I found out about it via @DRUNKHULK
AnitaN AnitaN
I found out Gadhafi was dead from @DRUNKHULK. I don’t know if this is social media at it’s best, or just personal failure.

















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