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DRUNK HULK’S TOP 10 TWEETS OF 2011

Here are the Top 10 most popular tweets by Drunk Hulk in 2011!

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DRUNK HULK’S TOP 10 TWEETS OF 2011!

DRUNK HULK NEW YEAR RESOLUTION!

DRUNK HULK MAKE NEW YEAR RESOLUTION!

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DRUNK HULK NEW YEAR RESOLUTION!

DRUNK HULK MOST SEXIEST PEOPLES OF 2011!

Drunk Hulk chooses the sexiest men and women alive for 2011!

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DRUNK HULK MOST SEXIEST PEOPLES OF 2011!

DRUNK HULK DEBATE FAIL!

In less than :53 seconds, Drunk Hulk destroys his chances of becoming the next President of the United States. Sadly.

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DRUNK HULK DEBATE FAIL!

DRUNK HULK HAD 99!

Drunk Hulk steps in to do a little protesting of his own!

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DRUNK HULK HAD 99!

“I KNEW YOU WHEN I WAS YOUNG”

2
by on October 4, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Click here to download the PDF of “I Knew You When I was Young.”

 

The waiting was the worst part for the princess. She had no problems with the creature – grotesque as it was – because it did what it was supposed to do, which was to kidnap her and take her to its lair. This lair was particularly wet and slippery and muddy, the stench of foul meat soaking the clammy air. Now it was all a matter of waiting for the prince to rescue her. She found the process a tad archaic and she wished the ogre didn’t have to kill so many people in the process, but what could she do? This was how it was done.

The ogre lit a fire for her. She could see the air steaming out of its wide nostrils, still out of breath from carrying her all this distance, its black fur crusted with blood. It turned to her, its red eyes narrow, its yellow teeth showing, and said, “It usually takes an hour or so for the prince to find the place. The rest is usually pretty quick.”

She nodded; it was overwhelming to the ogre how such a simple gesture could exude so much beauty.

“Would you like some coffee?” asked the ogre.

When she nodded again, the ogre turned away suddenly.

The coffee ended up being excellent and the princess appreciated the ogre’s professionalism. He brought her some clothes to put down on the piles of dirt so she could sit down. It sat down across from her, a cup of coffee in its hand. After its first sip, he sighed heavily, it being obviously uncomfortable with the waiting part as well.

“What now?” the princess asked.

“We wait,” the ogre said.

“I know that, but is there something we can do, like play a game?” She looked around and could tell there would be no games to play. “Perhaps you could tell me a story.”

The ogre appeared to be thinking this one over. “I guess I could, if that’s what you’d like.”

“Most certainly,” said the princess, a smile appearing for the first time.

“Okay.” The ogre looked down at his coffee. “Well, once upon a time, in a far away land, there was once a beautiful woman. While she wasn’t a princess – though she was one in her father’s eyes – she was always meant for great things. But somewhere along the way, she made a right instead of a left, mistook a doorway for a wall, misunderstood a prophecy as a compliment out of pity, and took her dreams too lightly. When she should’ve been out exploring the world, she was sitting inside a large box and staring at a smaller box – one that lit up and showed her numbers – for eight hours or more a day. When she wasn’t in the box, she would sit at home and stress and worry about more numbers. Every month she would receive papers that revealed large sums that she owed, and each month those numbers grew and grew. She was always distracted, always staring at boxes, never listening to the Fates, for they are like music – meaningless if there is no one to hear it, and the Fates have only so much patience. She felt as lonely as the bed she slept in, feeling trapped in life rather than being a part of it. There was magic everywhere and plenty to laugh about, but all she saw was yesterday and tomorrow. There was a time when the gods would chain men to rocks for the most trivial of crimes, forcing them to push rocks up hills that never ended – now the gods simply sit back and let men create their own perpetual punishments. They boast their great knowledge – most of it coming from the boxes they stare at, all of them being connected – while forgetting the important things. Their heads are so full of nonsense they may as well be empty, not to mention their hearts. And they fill their homes with insignificant trinkets to match their heads. They have freedom everywhere and yet they restrict themselves, finding excuses when there is nothing to excuse, finding misery and fear where there is none. This was her, punished, restricted, trapped, chained, alone, when she should’ve been laughing a thousand miles away, teaching others to fly, loving so hard it feels like her heart should be breaking when in fact it’s growing, overflowing continuously until her last breath. That was her, the goddess of the never-was. And she –”

It stopped suddenly, its nostrils expanding. “He’s close now. He’s a quick one, this prince. My trail was perhaps too good this time.” It stood up and gently took her empty coffee cup. “You’ll need to scream soon to help him out.”

“Is there such a goddess?” the princess asked.

It nodded.

“And such a place?”

“Oh, yes. I’ve wandered there many times. I’m invisible there, except to those the majority considers to be insane, interestingly enough. Everything is backwards there, it is frightening. And the noise never stops, the air is milky and smells, and sadly enough, they tell stories about us and as if we were simple and quaint. They scoff at our happy endings as impossible things.”

“How sad.”

“Isn’t it though?”

It helped the princess to her feet. She started to brush herself off and the ogre stopped her. “No, he must believe you’ve being mistreated. The dirtier you stay, the better.”

They said nothing for a few moments.

“Shall I scream now?”

“He’s closer; so whenever you want, sure.”

She took one of his hands and squeezed it. “Thank you.”

“You’re most welcome. Be sure to recommend me to your father when your sister is of age.” It smiled but she couldn’t tell it was a smile, and then it stretched itself to get back into character. “Now, let’s do it.”

She laughed, the most beautiful laugh it had ever heard and would ever hear, took a deep breath, and then she screamed towards her happy ending.

Thanks for reading.

To read my thoughts on writing this story, click here.

“I Knew You When I was Young” was originally published in Cover Stories.

“A Hundred Fireflies Outside”

2
by on September 20, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Click here to read a PDF copy of “A Hundred Fireflies Outside”.

It felt like this day would never come, all the planning, all the waiting, and now, they are almost there. There are six of them, three boys and three girls, looking like university students but really have three months of high school left. They are smart, clever and have a profound understanding of irony. Two of them have been dating for the last nine months and the remaining four are hoping to start something over the weekend even though they know they won’t make it past the summer. Already they are making their intentions known with their eye contact and making the extra effort to laugh at one another’s jokes.

Based on the directions, they are less than an hour away. Nancy remembers loving the place when she was little, but it had been, like, years since she’s been there. It used to be her grandfather’s cabin before he passed away a few years back. She remembers the smell of his pipe tobacco, how he knew a million different languages, and how he’d sit up all night translating the strangest books.

The man at the last gas station seemed to be familiar enough with the place to tell them not to go there. He even offered his own cabin in another part of the area for free – “You can stay as long as you want. Seriously. Just don’t go there.” – but they laughed it off, the way only teenagers know how to do without regret. They bought some [product placements]. Ashley noticed a board by the bathroom which was filled with pictures of missing teenagers. When she said something about it, everyone but Jay ignored her. There goes Ashley being all serious. They all piled back into the van, spent two minutes getting the van to start – “This always happens!” – and they were off again.

After a while – thirty miles past the mental hospital, seventeen miles past the chemical plant, and four miles past the old cemetery – they turn off the main road. With every turn, the road gets narrower and the concrete eventually turns into mud. Fred decides to call his parents to let them know they are almost there – because he knows he’ll forget to check in later once they open up the cooler full of alcohol – and he discovers that there is no reception. He holds the phone up high, like someone raising a torch in the darkness, and waits for a signal that will never come.

When they reach the cabin, the girls are startled at how beautiful it is. Nancy’s eyes get wet. Lori reaches for her camera. She takes a picture of the surrounding forest and hills. She turns around and takes a quick picture of the cabin. Through the lens, she sees a figure in the upstairs window, but when she puts the camera away from her face, she notices that it was just the light reflecting off the window.

The key takes a few twists before the lock finally gives. They push into the cabin together, eager to get the weekend started. Mike and Jay are quick to stake out bedrooms. There is, of course, no electricity. Fred offers to go downstairs into the basement to find the fuse box, mostly because Nancy is his girlfriend and he feels it’s his responsibility. The basement is cold and dark, even with Lori’s flashlight, but he finds the box and brings power to the cabin. He notices a workbench near the back with tools hanging on the wall like hunting trophies. The chainsaw gets his attention only because he’s always been interested in using one, and maybe this weekend he’ll get his chance. He also finds some boxes of books and newspaper clippings, another box filled with, of all things, garlic, and even one of those old spool recorders plugged into the wall with the pause button pushed down, begging to be pressed. His index finger is touching the button’s dusty surface when he hears a scream above.

It was Ashley, of course, scared of everything as always. She had opened the back door by the kitchen and a cat had jumped out of nowhere. The cat stands outside by a trashcan, hissing, while Mike tries to kick it away. When he closes the door, he sees that you have to really push it to get it to close. Maybe Jay can look at this later because he’s always good at stuff like this.

There is loud music coming from inside the cabin. The song is by [the popular band of the day]. Fred finds Nancy outside. She’s looking out into the distance. He comes from behind and puts his arms around her. She takes his right hand and kisses it gently. “I’m so glad we’re here,” she says. “This weekend’s so important, you know?” Fred’s mouth is busy working on the back of her neck, but he makes a sound of agreement. “Our lives are going to change so much. It’s important for me to come back one last time just to, like, I don’t know, hold onto this,” she squeezes his hand, “a little longer.”

Eventually, the rest come outside to appreciate the view. Mike and Lori’s hands brush one another and they look at each other for a second too long before grinning. Jay stands next to Ashley and offers her a sip of his beer, which she meekly declines.

The character development is over now. The sun is descending, the yellow fading to a dark orange, and the clouds turning into upside down canyons of purple and orange. Already they can see the moon peeking through the indigo blue, full and bright, and what looks to be a hundred fireflies outside, all charging up. Soon it will be dark and the stars will shine down on them in ways they never could’ve imagined living in the city all their lives. It will be a night sky full of infinite possibilities, like the futures they all still believe they have.

Thanks for reading.

To read my thoughts on writing this story, click here.

“A Hundred Fireflies Outside” was originally published in Cover Stories.

“A Lot Like the Ones Back in High School”

1
by on September 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm

To read a PDF copy of this story, click here.

Victoria was talking now, the rest of them at the party listening with interest, standing there in Mark’s living room holding their drinks. There was music coming from a computer in the bedroom and the sound of Stephen mixing drinks in the kitchen. Victoria said, “It’s a lot like the ones back in high school, you know, the ones you have before an exam or something. Or before a big date with Tom March.” She grinned.

Laura sighed. “Tom March? I haven’t thought of him in years. God, he was beautiful.”

Victoria was smiling, not at what Laura said, but at a memory. “Wasn’t he though?”

“Whatever happened to him?”

Victoria shrugged her shoulders theatrically. Everyone paying attention wondered why she lied. Mark stood in the corner wondering why you had to say Tom March’s full name when you talked about him.

Victoria said, “I was supposed to be in surgery. I’ve been working for more than twenty hours; I was so tired I wanted to cry. I knew that when I was finished, I would be going to a party to get smashed.” She raised her glass. “I don’t know how I know this, of course, but that’s what I’m starting with.”

“Can you even do surgery yet?” Mark asked.

“Not yet, no. I’m a few years away from that sort of thing.”

Stephen came from the kitchen with drinks on a large tray. “Round four, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. Everyone took a drink with a stifled laugh, some people now holding two drinks. “What did I miss?”

Mark said, “Vick was telling us a dream she had.”

“Not another Tom March sex-isode, I hope.”

Mark shook his head, the full name thing starting to bother him now.

Victoria said, “When I made it to the operating room, I see that there’s a unicorn on the table. I’m told I need to turn the unicorn into a horse by removing the horn.”

Laura said, “Is that all it takes? I always assumed there was more to a unicorn than its horn, like powers or something.”

Stephen said, “I think the powers are in the horn. Once the horn’s gone, no powers, and it’s just a horse.”

“I just figured it was more complicated than that. Like the difference between a man and monkey being more than the capacity for guilt.”

Most of the room had nothing to say to that; they either looked at their drinks or at Stephen.

Victoria continued, “So there I am, sawing it, cutting it, even hitting it with a baseball bat. The stupid thing wouldn’t come off. The unicorn wakes up all the sudden and is getting crazy, trying to get up and off the table, making all this noise. The doctors are freaking out and looking at me to do something. I take the bat and hit it on the head right below the horn. I’m hitting it with everything I got. It takes a couple of hits, but it finally stops moving, blood all over. The doctors start congratulating me. And I’m just crying, just feeling horrible for what I’ve done, not knowing if it was dead or alive.”

Laura again with her questions, she said, “Didn’t you feel bad about you trying to take its horn?”

“Oh, no,” Victoria said. “I figured it was for science or something.” She took out a cigarette, her fingers trembling a little. “Now here’s the really horrible part, right. While I’m standing there, crying like I’ve never cried before in my life, the horn just falls off and lands on the ground with this heavy sound. I reach down to get it, and as I do, I realize I don’t have anything on. I’m completely naked. Nothing. No shirt, no underwear, no –” She stopped suddenly, her face turning red. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you, Stephen.”

“It’s nothing,” Stephen said, a confused look on his face. He started to sip his drink and stopped. He looked down at himself. He turned to the mirror across the room. His reflection confirmed his fears. This wasn’t the first time he had forgotten to wear pants, nor – sadly – would it be the last; his friends weren’t seeing anything they hadn’t seen before. He wished his penis wasn’t inclined to hang so sharply to the left, which had to mean something terrible. He casually pushed his penis to the right and it returned back to its original position with scary ease. Somebody giggled, but Stephen wasn’t paying attention anymore.

Stephen remembered the khakis lying on the bed where he left them. He remembered the way he looked at them before exiting the bedroom, thinking about how lonely they seemed, how they looked like a giant V from where he stood, how V was the first letter of her name, how he’d dreamt of tasting the curve of her back, brushing her hair to the side to kiss her neck, waking up with what he hoped she tasted like dancing on his tongue, wishing he’d stop starting his day with those tears chasing each other down his face, collecting at his ears, clinging desperately before finally giving into the inevitable.

- “A Lot Like the Ones Back in High School” is a story from the book Empty Rooms Lonely Countries by Christian A. Dumais.

Like the story? Buy the book.

Commentary Cover

“Exodus”

3
by on September 6, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Click here to read a PDF version of this story.

Marianne and I were eating breakfast the morning after, just toast and orange juice. It was almost noon. We had about three hours of sleep between us. We weren’t tired though. We were outside in her backyard eating at the table by the pool.

Fall came like a ghost during the night. The trees were bare. Some of the leaves found their way into the pool and floated aimlessly from one wall to the next like empty boats. The sun was bashful above us, giggling and ducking behind the random cloud, leaving the echoes of shade. The breeze sharpened, played with Marianne’s hair and came to me. When I closed my eyes, I thought the wind was whispering something, like a secret from days past when the world was simple and gentle and smelled like sunflowers. There was a wind chime behind me.

The scenery revealed itself in pieces, as I became more awake. It felt like I was watching a painting come alive. I imagined myself staring over a painter’s shoulder and he was highlighting the scene with the new colors he created during the night. He said he named his infant colors with the names of former lovers. He splashed Isabella on the trees to my left and he gave the yard a hint of Penelope. He said he wouldn’t reveal Tiffany and Zuella until sunset. He stretched out his mustache and asked, “Do you see it?” I said that I didn’t and he huffed.

Marianne saw me frowning, but she kept eating her toast in silence. She looked like a gypsy, pretty and mystical, especially the way her hair floated around her, like she belonged with elves. I’m sure I looked like a bum. I didn’t bring a change of clothes and my shirt was wrinkled.

“I’m dying,” I said.

She smiled, as if to say, that’s nice.

“I’m serious.”

“I know you are.” She said it solemnly; her grin said otherwise.

“Last night,” I said, “it was nice.”

She nodded. “You were talking in your sleep.”

“Really?” I finished chewing. “What did I say?”

“Mostly mumbles.”

“Oh.”

She brought her glass of orange juice to her mouth and paused. “You still miss her.” As she sipped, she didn’t blink.

I looked down at my toast. A part of my dream came back to me. The visual was fuzzy, but the feeling was tangible. I closed my eyes and pretended that it was a long time ago, long enough that my mind wouldn’t know whether to process it as a memory or a dream. It would still be real, I knew that, it just wouldn’t feel real.

Marianne said something.

“What’s that?”

She said, “The pool. The leaves are moving funny.”

I looked over at the pool. It wasn’t until I stood up that I realized they weren’t leaves at all, but frogs. There were a few dozen of them, no bigger than my thumb. They were jerking their tiny arms and legs, sliding around the pool like tossed pennies.

“They must’ve wandered over from the swamp last night.” Marianne jumped from her chair with urgency. She opened the plastic manhole above the skimmer and glared. She ran over to the corner of the house and turned off the pump.

When the pump receded, a dark cloud of frogs poured out of the skimmer into the pool. The frogs slowly dispersed in their newfound ocean. Now there were about a couple hundred of them. They looked like green chubby babies. I never saw anything quite like that before; it was strangely adorable.

“Do you have a–” I started, but Marianne was already on it, scooping the frogs up with a net. She’d get as many as possible before walking to the back fence to drop them off at the edge of the swamp. It was such meticulous process; there were simply so many of them. She did it so carefully too, so thoughtfully, even though it was obvious that to touch one would repulse her; and yet, she was compelled to save them, despite herself. I watched her. Her nose was shriveled, her mouth closed tight, but her eyes were sympathetic and loving.

I found a white bucket by the lawn chairs and used it to catch as many frogs as I could. Most of the frogs reacted to my bucket by diving deeper into the water, too deep for my arms to reach. The ones I did catch were the floating couples that were too in love to notice me. The frogs were stubborn. They jumped and dove and squirmed and twisted; our slippery little children rebelled against us as best they could.

After nearly an hour, she said, “I think that’s it.”

“Looks like.”

We kept orbiting the pool to be sure. Marianne beamed with content, as if liberating the frogs had some kind of meditative quality that I overlooked. I thought about the frogs, jumping their baby jumps back to their home with their smiles that only other frogs know, with no understanding of why my friend and I had saved them. Did they even know they were being rescued or was it simply another part of their journey?

“That’s what we want, isn’t it?” I asked.

“What?”

“That.” I tried to laugh but it didn’t come out right. I walked to the edge of the pool and dropped to my hands and knees. I bowed and put my face into the water. It was cold. When I rose, the water drifted down my face and strolled down to my shirt.

She put her hand on my shoulder and slid her other hand across my cheek.

“I’m fine,” I said.

I pulled back, she moved forward.  “Don’t,” she said. “Now close your eyes.”

I shut my eyes. “It’s just water,” I said.

“It’s not the water I’m worried about,” she whispered. I felt her thumbs moving under my eyes. She pressed lightly. “Keep them closed–”

“I–”

“–and be quiet.”

The wind picked up and I heard the trees moving with it. It was like a long content sigh. Dried leaves scratched against the concrete. I could hear everything but her. It was like she no longer existed. I was concentrating harder when I felt her lips touch my forehead. The kiss was so soft I almost doubted it. She leaned my head back more. Her lips came down on my eyelids, the left followed leisurely by the right. These kisses were stronger but still gentle. I almost spoke. She seemed to sense this; a finger covered my lips. She lifted her finger and our lips touched. I didn’t move a muscle. I let her lips overcome my own, at first softly, then forcefully. Her breath was hot in my mouth. When she finally pulled back, I realized I wasn’t breathing. I heard her say, “Open them now.”

When I did open my eyes, it took a few seconds to adjust. I looked up at her. The sun was behind her head. She looked like a giant. In the sky behind her, Renee was blending with Natalie and turning into something new. I exhaled.

She leaned over and said, “When you breathe like that, you sound like the trees.”

- “Exodus” was originally published in Third Wednesday and later in Empty Rooms Lonely Countries by Christian A. Dumais.

Like the story? Buy the book.

Commentary Cover

HERE’S TO YOU AND THE STARS ABOVE

2
by on August 30, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Click here for a PDF copy of this story.

 

He looked harder than she remembered. The softness in his stomach and face were gone. His skin was golden, his hair shorter and lighter. Even his green eyes had changed. Before she asked him why he did it, she sighed and gave him one of her looks. He knew the look well because he had seen it every time he closed his eyes, her standing there inside his head, ready to talk, ready to remind him of all of the things he wanted to forget. He tried to remember a time when he was alone in his head, when it was his voice that narrated his thoughts, when he didn’t have to explain everything to the imaginary version of her that haunted him like a blister on the roof of his mouth.

She looked stunning, vivid, reality seemed displaced around her. She was older, but age worked as a blessing, not a curse. She was still worth starting a war over, still worth risking everything for immortality if it meant forever waking to her face. If you say “I love you” to a face like hers, you knew instantly how weak the words were. Terms of endearment did not apply to her. She was the kind of woman who inspired new religions to prosper without the need of commandments.

Finally, she asked him where he’d been. He told her about Europe. How he walked through France, through Germany, through Poland, and then I kept on walking. He found himself in countries he never knew existed until he found Russia. Like Texas, Russia never wanted to end.

When he found nowhere, he’d stay until it became somewhere, and then he’d keep going. Then there was the ocean and the islands, where he declined a thousand invitations to live with the sun for the rest of his life.

“What then?” she asked.

He pointed a finger to the sky.

He told her about the rocket, the way gravity does everything in its power never to let go, and when it finally does, you wonder why you ever needed it. He aimed that nose to the first star he saw and let the darkness swallow him. He enjoyed the view, but mostly he slept. He thought that maybe his memories would get pulled back with gravity and he’d finally be free, but instead he dreamed of the past. Maybe in all that darkness, all that silence, he’d finally find some peace. It might happen in his final moment before death, it might never happen at all. He wouldn’t know until he got there. Just the thought of the possibility kept him moving. He said, “The thought of escaping the memory of you.”

It was years, decades, he didn’t know for sure. The star he chose grew bigger, until finally it was inescapably blue.

“And I was back here,” he said, his voice breaking with the final word. He wondered if the universe was like a hall of mirrors, distorting, elongating, shrinking, twisting, until you were right back where you started. He felt the muscles in his body contracting, the bones threatening to shatter, his eyes aching, his head throbbing. She reached out and touched his cheek gently. He flinched as if she had slapped him. He stepped back and closed his eyes. He rocked his head to the left and his neck snapped. He turned his head upward and opened his eyes slowly as if looking into a bright light.

She told him about the time machine. How she went back in time starting with the day before they met and fell in love with him again. When it was evening, she went back to the day before that, falling in love over and over again, one day older for her, one day younger for him. As she explained, new memories overwhelmed him. The echoing of a thousand perfect loves with the same woman made his heart beat faster. All the pain and tension in his body dissipated.

The stars looked down at him. He had seen infinity, the way it spreads out in all directions, backwards and forwards, and then deep down inside you. Back on the rocket a lifetime ago, he suited up and went out drifting. Space was cold and smelled of burnt toast. At one point, he held out the things he had to forgive to the universe and the universe responded with silence. He should have known, bringing a grain of salt to a desert and expecting water.

He turned to her, their noses now inches apart. This close, he knew it was already over. He looked into those blue eyes and saw oceans and universes. He had been here before. There was no point in fighting it any longer.

He kissed her then, a kiss as inevitable as autumn and as hard as winter. He pulled her body into his and pressed his lips against hers like a near-drown victim fighting for air. He could feel the gravity of their past and the weight of the universe around them. His eyes were open at first, staring into her eyes, and when he closed them, he took the blue with him. Their lips moved, their teeth crashed, and their tongues came together like hurricanes. This was the kind of kiss that could wake the dead, the kind that could create whole new worlds, the kind heard around the world. Time and space stopped like it did and would every moment they touched. They were the beginning and ending of every love story ever told.

A crowd of people walked by, some were annoyed they had to walk around the oblivious couple, some bothered by the display of affection.

You were one of them, just trying to get home after a long evening out, knowing tomorrow was another day of repetition, and wondering what the deal was with those two drunks kissing.

◊                                 ◊                                 ◊

“Here’s to You and the Stars Above” was originally published in COVER STORIES.

 

Click here for some behind the scenes information about “Here’s to You and the Stars Above.”

DRUNK HULK TELL EMMA STONE FEELING!

8
by on August 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm

 

DRUNK HULK WANT YOU KNOW THAT DRUNK HULK THINK YOU DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL WAY BEAUTIFUL! NO JUST PRETTY! BUT YOU KNOW! SMART AND KIND HEART! AND IF DRUNK HULK LOT YOUNGER! DRUNK HULK MARRY CRAP OUT YOU! AND YOU HAVE GIANT GREEN CHUBBY FRECKLE FACE KID! YOU AND DRUNK HULK LAUGH ALL DAY LONG! AND GO TO BAR! AND PLAY AWFUL TRIVIA GAME ON TV! AND YOU PAY DRUNK HULK TAB! BECAUSE IT TOO BIG TO FAIL! AND LATER! SEXCITEMENT!

EVERYDAY FOR REST OF YOU LIFE! YOU THANK GOD DRUNK HULK WAS APPROPRIATE AGE FOR YOU! BUT DRUNK HULK NOT! DRUNK HULK OLD! DRUNK HULK HAVE LINE ON FACE! SOMETIME DRUNK HULK TURN GREY! AND IT TAKE DRUNK HULK LITTLE LONGER TO LEAP THAN IT USE TO! THOSE ONLY DISCERNABLE SIGN OF AGE THAT DRUNK HULK FIND SO FAR! YOU CAN HELP DRUNK HULK FIND MORE! ANYWAY! DRUNK HULK JUST WANT LET YOU KNOW HOW DRUNK HULK FEEL! YOU PRETTY SPECIAL! AND DRUNK HULK WISH YOU CONTINUE SUCCESS AND ARTISTIC FULFILLMENT! BUT MOST OF ALL! DRUNK HULK WISH YOU LOVE AND CONTENTMENT! THIS NO WAY CREEPY AT ALL!

THE KEY

0
by on August 23, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Click here to download a PDF copy of this story.

 

Darren Gardner stood in the car rental office. It was a bright sunny morning but still midnight for him. His wife Greta patiently waited outside with their luggage. Two jetlagged Americans in Paris ready for adventure but in need of a nap.

The woman at the desk asked Darren if he wanted the insurance, he said no, he was an American, he was a safe driver, had been driving for over fifty years. This all sounded inarguable in Darren’s head, certainly better than “I’m too cheap to pay for your insurance.” She said if he forfeited the insurance, then it was important he have “the key” with him at all times. “Of course,” he said, thinking that was just common sense. The woman exhaled heavily and gave him more papers to sign.

A tall man in a black suit was standing with Greta when Darren stepped outside. He was handsome with tanned skin, black hair and blue eyes. Greta was laughing at something he said, and she was winding her hair around her finger, something Darren hadn’t seen her do in a very long time. The man shook Darren’s hand politely. It was hot. Darren could already feel the sweat forming in the back of his shirt, but the man looked as cool as January.

When the car arrived, the man opened the door for Greta, much to her delight, put their luggage in the trunk, and then got in the back. He saw the confusion in Darren’s face and said, “I’m Laqui.” And it was then that Darren realized “la key” which he took to mean the French’s way of saying “the key” actually meant “Laqui.” He turned back towards the office and then back to the car, and because Darren never liked to acknowledge his mistakes – especially those made in his quest to save a dollar – he got into the driver’s seat as if everything was right as rain.

Greta never once questioned why Laqui was with them. For the first few hours, all she did was talk nonstop about how she had always wanted to come to Europe and how they decided to drive across the continent like they did once back in the States with their kids before they grew up. Laqui nodded politely and asked questions.

By the time they stopped to get some gas, Greta was fast asleep. Darren got out of the car and it wasn’t until he removed the nozzle from the pump that he realized Laqui was standing right beside him, a little too close for his American sensibilities. A car pulled up behind them and the driver stepped out, stretching. He waved and said something in French.

“I’m sorry,” said Darren. “I don’t understand.”

The man smiled and stepped forward, saying, “Ah, you are Amer–” before falling to the ground. It was like watching a marionette getting its strings cut, the head hanging back like a bowling ball in a sack. It happened so fast that Darren’s mind wasn’t able to process that Laqui had shot the man in the head. The gun’s silencer made the shot sound like a playful sigh.

Pshoo.

A young man at the next pump jumped towards Laqui –

Pshoo.

– and fell just as fast, his life over before his knees touched the ground.

Laqui turned to Darren and said, “That’ll be enough.” Darren let go of the handle, not realizing he’d been pumping gas the whole time. “Leave the money on the pump.”

They got back on the road with Greta still sleeping. It took Darren eight miles (12.87 kilometers) before he had the courage to speak. “You kidnapping us?”

In the rearview mirror, Laqui frowned. “No,” he said as if offended. “Mr. Gardner, you agreed to this.”

In a hushed tone, to not wake Greta, Darren said, “To kill people?”

“That’s unfortunate,” said Laqui. “You didn’t read the agreement.”

In fact, the agreement stated (in both French and English):

Any person not registered in this agreement who enters an unreasonable distance to the vehicle can be subjected to property damage, serious injury, maiming, disfigurement, desecration, torture, and/or death.


Darren would read this in the 29-page agreement weeks later in his living room. He had returned home 19 pounds lighter and missing a tooth. By then, fifty-two people from five different countries were dead. More would have died if it weren’t for Darren actually physically pushing people away from the car. One person had punched him – hence the tooth.

Darren had seen a lot of terrible things in his life. Even though he basically arrived in Vietnam just as the war was ending, he saw enough to get the point. And for all the awful things he hadn’t seen in real life, the internet had more than made up for.

But the moment that haunted Darren, especially when it’s quiet at night and sleep won’t come, was that afternoon in Germany. Greta was gone by then. Who knew that asking to go home removed oneself from the rental agreement (Article 17, paragraph 2)?

Pshoo.

He had pulled off the autobahn to find a place to eat (no drive-thru, he had already learned) when he had almost hit a boy on his bicycle crossing the road. And he was too relieved and full of adrenaline to notice the backdoor of the car opening and Laqui thrusting his gun forward with the surgical grace of a dancer. The boy was thrown off his bike by the impact of the bullet in his chest before Darren even heard that awful sigh.

What Darren remembered was the burning in his eyes and the snot rolling down his lip as he screamed at Laqui to stop. He remembered the elegant way Laqui got back into the car, the grip of his hand on his shoulder, and the annoyed look on his face in the rearview mirror when he said, “I’m surprised at you, Mr. Gardner. You Americans should be used to this kind of thing by now.”

◊                                          ◊                                             ◊

 

You’ve just read “The Key,” a short story written by Christian A. Dumais

For more stories written by Christian, buy his short story collection Empty Rooms Lonely Countries and/or the euphictional anthology Cover Stories.

Thanks for your support.

Christian A. Dumais interviewed by UGO!

0
by on August 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

UGO Editor-in-Chief Chris Radtke sat down with me with through the magic of IM to talk about all things Drunk Hulk. It was an enormously fun interview for a variety of reasons, and I hope it shows in my answers.

Me and Radtke go back ten years now, thanks to our frequenting the now-defunct Slush Factory message boards. I had the pleasure of meeting him briefly in DC in 2002, and hopefully one day we’ll be able to nerd out over some beers.

Anyway, Radtke asked some fun questions, such as:

RADTKE: Of those three things (“DRUNK HULK” instead of “I”, ALL CAPS and bad grammar) which is the one that’s the biggest pain in the ass?

CHRISTIAN DUMAIS: It’s a toss up between ALL CAPS and bad grammar. Sometimes I have a good joke but it gets lost in DH-speak. Even though I have over 100,000 followers (as of today), I am convinced I would have plenty more if it weren’t for the ALL CAPS, which turns people off.

RADTKE: Fascinating. I never thought of that, but i can see it. Ever hear from Marvel? For better or for worse?

CHRISTIAN DUMAIS: I’ve never heard from Marvel, not at all. I’m just happy they’ve been kind enough to let me do this. I really do love the character and try not to go too far over the line. Like, I won’t have him curse, that kind of thing. I’m like you, Chris, I’m a Marvel guy. These are like childhood friends to me.


 

Click over and read the whole thing.

LEAVE ME THE WAY I WAS FOUND

4
by on August 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Click here for a PDF copy of this story.

 

The date displayed at the lower right hand corner reads August 9, 2003, with a starting time of 20:03:17 and ending with 20:05:33: 2 minutes and 16 seconds in length. There is an enormous amount of speculation regarding the video’s origins. A Google search for the [TITLE RETRACTED] video brings a staggering 4,274,256,985 entries and is the most Googled search string ever, surpassing “sex” in less than three days. There have been more message board threads and blog entries devoted to the video than any other topic online, and its Wikipedia entry has been confirmed to be the most active and heavily debated article on the site with an edit occurring every 1.3 seconds. The most problematic statistic, of course, is the video’s emergence on YouTube. Since the video’s appearance on March 22, 2009, it has been viewed 1.67 billion times (interestingly enough, it has never been favorited). To put this in perspective, the second most watched video stands at 124.4 million views. It is without a doubt the most successful and unfortunate meme in history.

The user responsible for uploading the video on YouTube was “albertfish”, his/her only upload. According to YouTube, he/she has never signed into the site after the video’s upload. All efforts to identify and find “albertfish” have been unsuccessful:

And does it matter who “albertfish” is? Isn’t this like having Pandora’s box opened and suddenly being interested in who Pandora was? We can learn all about her, sure, but at the end of the day, the box is still open and we have to deal with it . . . The video is still there and it will never go away. You have no idea how horrifying that is to me . . . I’m to the point where the thought of using the Internet gives me panic attacks . . . Even now, as I think about what I saw – the nine seconds that I endured – my eyes water. If you ask me, “albertfish” did himself in like the others. (Maher)

All things considered, Maher’s side-effects are mild by comparison. Those who’ve witnessed the video in its entirety are said to suffer from continued high blood pressure, severe headaches, excessive itching in the areas of the ears and eyes, dizziness, loss of equilibrium, severe panic attacks, and intense ringing in the ears. Viewers, like Maher, who’ve seen only small portions of the video, complain of watering eyes, toothaches, dry mouth, and cold spells, among other things. Most disturbing are the alarming number of suicides. The most notable, of course, is the March 26, 2009 “WTF? Is this real?” video uploaded through YouTube showing an unsuspecting mother watching the video for the first time:

The change in [her] face seems impossible, like a cartoon. The baby on her lap begins to cry immediately. The person holding the camera is clearly startled (unfortunately, not enough to stop filming). Off screen, you can hear someone say, “Paula, honey?” The baby’s cries suddenly stop. There is one second of silence. Someone shouts, “Turn it off!” before two distinct screams are heard. At this point, the camera is all over. One would have to slow the video down to make out what happens next, but thanks to the screenshots that were briefly available at Drudge Report, the rest of the story is clear. The baby is literally squeezed to death by her own mother before being thrown at the open laptop like a wet cloth. The last discerned image is that of the mother inserting her index finger into her right eye. (Morrison)

The unsuspecting viewer trend died as quickly as it started; however, a new video continues to appear online even today, as well as remixes of the video and the notorious [TITLE RETRACTED]-rolling. This begs the questions: if the video can cause so much damage in short bursts, who are these people who can tolerate it enough to remix it? Who can stomach the anomaly?

While the anomaly (I love how “safe” this word is) in the video is frightening, it’s the memetic nature of the video that’s truly problematic. We are talking about a video so ghastly, so horrifying that it’s rewriting our brains. We cannot process this creature – sure, this anomaly. Where did it come from? Who were these children? Why haven’t their parents come forward? My head hurts just trying to recall what I saw. And yet, the video persists. It will not die . . . when it’s dark and I’m in bed, I honestly believe that the 41,448 people (according to today’s Huffington Post) who killed themselves are lucky. They’re not stuck with these memories . . . not living with that sober off-camera voice that clearly states, “This is the beginning.” (Baldwin)

Most articles written on the subject have an unhealthy obsession with deciphering the anomaly, with the most notable research conducted by the late Dr. Andrew Hill. If the anomaly has revealed anything to academia, it is the stark reality that this anomaly is beyond words, beyond any language’s ability to adequately describe it. It is beyond our capacity of understanding. We have seen the anomaly and yet we do not know what we have seen. All we have are questions:

What is [TITLE RETRACTED]? Where did it come from? Why don’t the children at least scream? Why won’t my hands stop trembling? When will my heart slow down? Why do I want to watch it again? Will my family watch it with me? (Berezecki)

 

“Leave Me the Way I Was Found” was originally published in issue #2 of Shock Totem.

Click here for some behind the scenes information about “Leave Me the Way I Was Found.”

Puff Chrissy in The Case of the Popcorn Cake!

1
by on April 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm

It’s been a while since I’ve shared any of my cooking adventures (like Pizza Day! or Pie Day!).

I’ve been meaning to make the Popcorn Cake ever since I discovered the recipe here. I’m an absolute sucker for bizarre recipes, and marshmallows, buttered popcorn and M&Ms seemed to irresistible to pass up, especially since I’m a huge fan of the chocolate/salt combination.

I made it today because I’ve been itching to make something creative in my new kitchen, and my wife’s grandmother is coming over to visit later this afternoon. Because Babcia is in her nineties and extremely traditional when it comes to cooking (her food is amazing though), I try my best to make dishes she has probably never seen before when she comes over. By the way, the original recipe for this cake includes pretzel sticks, but I figured that would be one ingredient too many for Babcia’s patience.

Meanwhile my wife, who took the photos here, has approached the Popcorn Cake with a lot of hesitation. I’m beginning to wonder if I should have added pierogies or potatoes inside of the cake as a gateway to acceptance.

Big thanks go to our friends Peter and Karolina, who were kind enough to not only bring a big bag of marshmallows, but a box of donuts from Dunkin’ Donuts all the way from Berlin (DD isn’t here in Poland yet, sadly).

If you’re interested in checking out the cake in more detail and seeing the recipe, go to this site. Or if you just want to cut to the chase and get the printable version of the recipe, go here.

Now we wait to see what Babcia thinks when she gets here.

WHO?

Follow Drunk Hulk on Twitter!

Drunk Hulk started on Twitter in October 2009 and has since become an internet sensation with over 131,000 followers. He has been featured in various print and online publications like TIME, Huffington Post, NPR, MTV and more.

Both BuzzFeed and Paste Magazine listed Drunk Hulk as one of the best Twitter feeds of 2011.

The creator behind Drunk Hulk is Christian A. Dumais, an American writer and university lecturer living in Wrocław, Poland.

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