The DJ Mixxy Magic Mix [DMMM] is 34:28 minutes in length and contains 10 songs. Since DJ Mixxy Magic [John Fuego, 27] has been labeled a terrorist, we consider the DMMM a Weapon of Mass Destruction – specifically, an aural bomb. For the layman, consider the songs on the mix as a series of basic chemicals available anywhere, safe for home use, but becomes a weapon when put together either in the correct order or in specific amounts. The DMMM is the first and only aural bomb in existence that we know of, which is why it is paramount that we understand and hopefully replicate it.
Since this is now a Homeland Security matter, this report – neither comprehensive nor thorough – is meant to update the new departments on the current situation as quickly as possible. For more specific details, please consult the revised Aural Weaponry (ReMix Edition) report. Speaking frankly, these terrorists have ruined aviation because of 9/11, and pie-eating contests because of 3/14. We’ll be damned if they ruin our music too.
The events as we know them: DJ Mixxy Magic started his weekly Friday shift at 21:00 at [name redacted], in Tampa, Florida, on June 21, 2013. Witnesses report that though he was in good spirits, he was “distracted” and “smoking more than usual”. His blood alcohol level was 0.9. There were no traces of drug use in his system.
For the first four hours of his shift, DJ Mixxy Magic’s work was “normal” and “satisfactory,” and “nothing out of the ordinary [happened].” However, at 1:03, witnesses observed DJ Mixxy Magic accept a call on his cell phone (phone records reveal the unlisted call was 5:32 minutes in length). No one heard what was spoken, but he was clearly upset with the caller, gesticulating wildly and – according to two witnesses – possibly crying. At 1:09, DJ Mixxy Magic ordered a beer and a shot of tequila. A waitress brought him the drink at 1:14, and he was observed consuming both drinks quickly. The mix reportedly began at 1:17 with Air Supply’s [title redacted].
What follows are some general effects and observations of the mix as documented by security cameras (no sound) and witnesses.
TRACK 1: The song is said to have elicited cheers from those on the dance floor. “We thought, you know, he was being ironic,” said one witness. There was no noticeable decrease in the number of dancers, however. “We just kept dancing. You know, ironically.”
TRACK 2: Those who were dancing and/or attentive to the music began sobbing uncontrollably at the :34 mark. Some continued to dance, but the numbers decreased significantly.
TRACK 3: Simply put: every couple in the room broke up. One married couple of four years amicably agreed to divorce. Those not present with their partner either made a phone call or sent a message at this time. One acquired SMS reads: I’m going to stay. I’m never coming home. You’re going to miss me in the days to come.
TRACK 4: Drink orders increased to an unmanageable level. Some patrons ordered beers, chugged them immediately, and requested more. Tips increased by 600%. “I made more during that song than I do most weeks. Thanks, Leonard Cohen.”
TRACK 5: Everyone was on the dance floor. Even the club staff danced (“I can’t explain it…it was like I didn’t have a choice”). Anderson, the doorman (who wore earplugs), said, “If I wasn’t there, anyone could’ve walked in and helped themselves to whatever they wanted. Money and all. I should’ve known something was wrong right then. I mean, this is Color Me Badd we’re talking about.”
TRACK 6: Track unknown. The dancers suddenly stopped (not in unison, “but close”) and stood still as if in a deep trance, all staring at DJ Mixxy Magic’s booth. “It was like they were waiting for further orders,” said one waiter. All witnesses claim to have never heard the song before. No one agrees on the lyrics.
TRACK 7: Everyone left the dance floor. Initially, they appeared dazed, as if waking up. Once the confusion wore off, the intimacy started. As reported, everyone suddenly started groping, kissing and fondling those nearest them. “From a dance party to an orgy in less than a song,” Anderson said. “It was disgusting. Like filthy animals!”
TRACK 8: By this point, everyone was engaged in sexual intercourse. Partners appeared to be random and traded easily. Sexuality, race and age did not appear to be a factor.
TRACK 9: Track unknown. The biting started instantly. The obtained footage doesn’t show anyone expressing any signs of pain; the opposite in fact, which is why it’s so alarming when the blood appears. The fire that consumed the club can be seen in the footage during this time. The cause of the fire is still undetermined.
TRACK 10: 20% of the club’s patrons are dead before this track starts and another 25% are in critical condition. Anderson, naked and covered in bite marks, breaks into the DJ’s booth and turns off the music. When the music stops, people begin panicking either because of what they did or the fire. DJ Mixxy Magic is found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head.
Currently, 8 of the 10 songs have been identified. It is our understanding that other factors unrelated to song order should also be addressed, such as the choice of segues, temperature, club lighting, etc. For instance, some witnesses claim that track 3 skipped twice and the volume increased significantly during track 5. The tests so far with chimpanzees have proven to be unsuccessful, though it has been determined that they are more sexually active when inebriated. Track 2 does make them cry, but we can’t determine if it’s just because it’s Cher. Also, human subjects might be better, as chimpanzees do not grasp irony.
We’ll continue to update everyone with our progress on a need-to-know basis as determined by the newly appointed Homeland Security DJ (speaking of which: Congratulations, Levi!).