If you don’t follow me on Twitter, there’s a good chance you’ve missed these. I’ve challenged myself to write at least 10 jokes a day (outside of the Drunk Hulk jokes) and throw them up on Twitter. There’ll be some misses, I’m sure, but occasionally I’m bound to get one right. Here are some of the jokes I’ve been tweeting for the last few days:
European students always struggle with Ezra Pound’s poetry because they use the metric system.
Too proud to resort to cannibalism, the Kool-Aid Man dies of thirst in the desert.
The only doctor in the restaurant, patrons watch in horror as proctologist performs emergency enema on choking victim.
Man applying for the Director of Holocaust Museum position worries that he smiled too much during the job interview.
Stripper embarrassed by her student past.
IKEA instruction manual humbles MacGuyver.
Hipster Sherlock Holmes solved the case ironically, last week, before it was cool.
Baby aspirin tragically swallowed before it could become adult strength.
Restful coma continuously interrupted by wife’s loud annoying pleas to wake the fuck up.
Overachieving stopped watch right three times in one day.
Dying university student sees family on death futon.
Historians don’t know what to do with Schindler’s recently discovered bucket list.
Strict English professor continues to boycott Apple for failing to capitalize i.
Scientist who cloned himself will unveil experiment once he stops making out with it.
While it happened in Vegas, tourist discovers he can’t get herpes to stay there.
It’s hard being the middle taco. It’s never cherished as much as the first and never appreciated as much as the last.
Real estate market in Kandor goes underwater when Brainiac accidentally drops bottle in the tub.
Occupy Wall Street movement on Gilligan’s Island puts the Howells at a disadvantage.
Envious salt wishes it had its own spray too.
Judge rules that a blogger isn’t a journalist. I didn’t go to 4 years of Blogger School to be mistaken for a reporter.
To reinvigorate their image, IKEA to introduce dead ends, minotaurs in their stores in 2012.
Overweight hunter accidentally shoots Richard Simmons when he jumped out suddenly from behind tree.
Bartleby wakes up refreshed, thinks he might finally get some scrivening done today.
Professional plagiarist feels like he keeps repeating himself.
Man sincerely asks “How are you?” Friend assumes it’s a greeting and throws question back.
World drops bombshell on Mythbusters. They respond with cannonball.
Cain threatens to turn the tables on accusers. Later he’ll put the chairs upside down.
Police officer on vacation at Yellowstone National Park instinctively reaches for pepper spray at sight of campers.
Students meet at Starbucks again to complain about the high price of tuition.
Naive 13 year old thinks he invented masturbation.
Stoner can’t get over how, like, seven seasons of 24 is, like, a whole week.
Hamster’s other car is a giant wheel.
Award winning prolific spam writer in China horrified to discover she was writing about penises all this time.
Newly designed white Coca-Cola can is forced to re-examine own identity, sexuality.
Despite heavy casualties, Doritos aficionados continue quest for mythic Cool Ranch.