Here are the “Three Americans walk into a bar…” jokes I wrote for last Sunday’s show. These were incredibly fun to write. I’m looking forward to writing more based on the theme of future shows.
The first joke is the one I used to open my set (the other two were never used).
1. Three Americans walk into a bar. They all order a beer. The first American tastes his beer and says, “This is amazing beer!” He takes out his phone, takes a picture of it and posts it on Facebook. The second American tastes his beer and says, “This is the best beer I ever had!” He takes out his phone, takes a picture and puts it on Twitter. The third American grabs his beer and throws it on the ground. The bartender says, “Why did you do that?” And he says, “What’s the point? I forgot my phone at home.”
2. Three Americans walk into a bar. One American isn’t wearing shoes, the next isn’t wearing a shirt, and the last American has a dog. The bartender says, “Sorry, guys, but I can’t serve any of you.” The first American says, “Oh, I get it. No shoes, no service.” And he leaves. The second American says, “I understand. No shirt, no service.” And he leaves. The third American says, “I see, it’s because I have a dog.” He pulls out a gun and shoots the dog. The dog is howling in pain for a couple of minutes until he shoots it a second time. The third American turns back to the bartender and says, “Now can I have that beer?” And the bartender says, “Sorry, but we closed 10 minutes ago.”
3. Three Americans walk into a bar. One American is Catholic, one is Jewish and the last is atheist. The Catholic orders a beer and then says, “What’s the point? I’ll just feel guilty about it later.” The Jew orders a beer and says, “What’s the point? Someone will just take it away from me eventually anyway.” The atheist drinks the two beers, feels content, and then goes home to make love to his beautiful wife.